|Free Shayla pictured on the left showing large lower back scar post op - Surgery due to domestic violence.|
Free Shayla (now) pictured on the right - back appears healthy- but looks can be deceiving.
When the sun brightened the sky over Chicago this morning my back felt like a violin that someone mistook for a rock stars electric guitar. Taking my small frame in his hands and proceeding to wrap them tightly around my swan like neck. Moving to the middle of the stage he makes the decision to give the audience a great show by smashing my pretty well constructed body onto the stage. Unfortunately, I was not a violin if I were I assume the abuser would have at least thought about it twice and possibly pawned me for a quarter of what I was worth...
If you have read my blog you are aware that I sustained a broken spine and paralysis as a result of domestic violence. The surgeons worked feverishly in order to save what was left of my spine and ran into complications. I had shattered lower vertebrae and there were more issues to follow when I awoke from surgery. In post-op there were further complications, hours after surgery it was found that I was paralyzed waist down.
Up until a night ago it was as if it were too painful for me to truly face that shattered broken body as mine. I did not embrace that truth or what it took for me to recover. Reviewing my personal x-rays in hazy grey, black and white - allowed me to distance myself from that tragedy over the years. It was like looking at old newspapers vs. the technology of blue ray definition coming off your computer screen. I used the x-rays as teaching tools but I did not take the time to teach myself with them.
The past two years I have been in deep meditation and through the stillness I have been able to be led to find out what I did not acknowledge in my background that would allow me to believe that I deserved to be beaten. What I have found has been surprising but, not as surprising as this you tube video below. This clip is not of me personally – but it is the same surgery I endured to straighten my 60 degree curve at Shriner’s Hospital when I was fifteen years old.
What I have gathered is that I distanced those tough years of being “the handicapped girl” who wore a huge painful back brace for 23 hours a day from the time that I was around six until the day of my surgery when I was fifteen. I must admit that there are some residual self-esteem issues that entered my first marriage. After all, it was only five years post-op and I had no idea how beautiful I was or that the gifts that Jah gave me were truly priceless.
In watching the video I have realized the saying, “if you do not know your history you will repeat it” is TRUTH. I am aware that those days and nights wrapped in a metal and plastic brace were painful but easily equaled to the beatings that I withstood as a newlywed. For goodness sakes all I had known for my whole life was pain.
This brings me eye to eye with the souls of women who have also manifested the pain of their childhood into the pain of their womanhood. For instance, most women who have been sexually or physically abused end up in an abusive partnership. The abuse can be sexual abuse, violence against women, or emotional or verbal abuse. Most of these women do not identify any of it. I have been divorced now for seven years and this is the first time I am hitting the true root causes of why I entered an abusive relationship in the first place.
When I added the scoliosis pains and bracing to the past hurt felt from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse as a child it all came full circle for me and it all made sense. The only thing I can say to women is “take the time out to ask yourself “Why”? As women we take more time in the grocery store thumping fruit and asking ourselves if it is ripe then we do examining our own issues. There is always a clue within your childhood that will reveal the reasons as to which you have allowed abuse to be your new normal. Most women repeat their childhood traumas in adulthood because their inner selves truly want to FIX what they feel is broken, therefore they repeat the unhealthy patterns that were introduced to them in order for them to play handy woman and unconscientiously try to rebuild their broken selves. This will continue to be trouble for abused women until they wake up and identify the root of their problems with abuse and that there is no fixing a past abuser – but there is always time to fix themselves.
Regarding the video, the video is striking to me personally because I had withstood that same surgery – laid cut open on a table for eight hours to become a cyborg just so I could marry a man who would beat me and later break my lower spine. With awareness of who I am and being conscience of my blessings and my family history and struggles I can tell you I would have walked right by that man. But, in blindness and no connection to my past I stumbled into a hellish future. We as women must wake up and stop giving away our power to those who do not deserve it. Take my word for it – loving a man who is undeserving is not worth losing your life (whether spiritually or physically)
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