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| Free Shayla pictured on the left showing large lower back scar post op - Surgery due to domestic violence. Free Shayla (now) pictured on the right - back appears healthy- but looks can be deceiving. |
When the sun brightened the sky over Chicago this morning my
back felt like a violin that someone mistook for a rock stars electric
guitar. Taking my small frame in his hands and proceeding to wrap them
tightly around my swan like neck. Moving to the middle of the stage he
makes the decision to give the audience a great show by smashing my pretty well
constructed body onto the stage. Unfortunately, I was not a violin
if I were I assume the abuser would have at least thought about it twice and
possibly pawned me for a quarter of what I was worth...
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If you have read my blog you are aware that I sustained a
broken spine and paralysis as a result of domestic violence. The surgeons worked feverishly in order to
save what was left of my spine and ran into complications. I had shattered
lower vertebrae and there were more issues to follow when I awoke from
surgery. In post-op there were further
complications, hours after surgery it was found that I was paralyzed waist
down.
Up until a night ago it was as if it were too painful for
me to truly face that shattered broken body as mine. I did not embrace
that truth or what it took for me to recover. Reviewing my personal x-rays in
hazy grey, black and white - allowed me to distance myself from that tragedy
over the years. It was like looking at old newspapers vs. the technology
of blue ray definition coming off your computer screen. I used the x-rays as teaching tools but I did
not take the time to teach myself with them.
The past two years I have been in deep meditation and through
the stillness I have been able to be led to find out what I did not acknowledge
in my background that would allow me to believe that I deserved to be
beaten. What I have found has been
surprising but, not as surprising as this you tube video below. This clip is not of me personally – but it is
the same surgery I endured to straighten my 60 degree curve at Shriner’s
Hospital when I was fifteen years old.
What I have gathered is that I distanced those tough years
of being “the handicapped girl” who wore a huge painful back brace for 23 hours
a day from the time that I was around six until the day of my surgery when I
was fifteen. I must admit that there are
some residual self-esteem issues that entered my first marriage. After
all, it was only five years post-op and I had no idea how beautiful I was or that
the gifts that Jah gave me were truly priceless.
In watching the video I have realized the saying, “if you do
not know your history you will repeat it” is TRUTH. I am aware that those days and nights wrapped
in a metal and plastic brace were painful but easily equaled to the beatings
that I withstood as a newlywed. For
goodness sakes all I had known for my whole life was pain.
This brings me eye to eye with the souls of women who have
also manifested the pain of their childhood into the pain of their
womanhood. For instance, most women who
have been sexually or physically abused end up in an abusive partnership. The abuse can be sexual abuse, violence
against women, or emotional or verbal abuse.
Most of these women do not identify any of it. I have been divorced now for seven years and
this is the first time I am hitting the true root causes of why I entered an
abusive relationship in the first place.
When I added the scoliosis pains and bracing to the past
hurt felt from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse as a child it all came full
circle for me and it all made sense. The
only thing I can say to women is “take the time out to ask yourself “Why”? As women we take more time in the grocery
store thumping fruit and asking ourselves if it is ripe then we do examining
our own issues. There is always a clue
within your childhood that will reveal the reasons as to which you have allowed
abuse to be your new normal. Most
women repeat their childhood traumas in adulthood because their inner selves
truly want to FIX what they feel is broken, therefore they repeat the unhealthy
patterns that were introduced to them in order for them to play handy woman and
unconscientiously try to rebuild their broken selves. This will continue to be trouble for abused
women until they wake up and identify the root of their problems with abuse and
that there is no fixing a past abuser – but there is always time to fix
themselves.
Regarding the video, the video is striking to me personally
because I had withstood that same surgery – laid cut open on a table for eight
hours to become a cyborg just so I could marry a man who would beat me and
later break my lower spine. With awareness of
who I am and being conscience of my blessings and my family history and
struggles I can tell you I would have walked right by that man. But, in blindness and no connection to my
past I stumbled into a hellish future.
We as women must wake up and stop giving away our power to those who do
not deserve it. Take my word for it –
loving a man who is undeserving is not worth losing your life (whether
spiritually or physically)
Thank you,
Free Shayla
@FreeShayla on twitter
